This was supposed to go out Wednesday so I’m already off to a great start with the Normal relaunch. My boyfriend and I have been working on a 1950s fixer-upper home and it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of worry…
To round out my first thought, however, the Normal newsletter will go out regularly to all subscribers every week. Hopefully, every Wednesday. Every Wednesday evening that I’m not dead tired and my arms aren’t tremendously sore from sanding off years of bird shit from the walls. (In that case, it will go out on Friday morning.)
The previous owner of the little 1950s home lived there for forty years. He passed away while sitting in his lawn chair by the koi pond that he built in the backyard. He had birds and they seemingly had the ability to roam free. There were shelves everywhere that acted as perches and the poor custom cedar walls are stained with bird shit and condensation marks because none of the original windows opened and there is no proper ventilation.
Back in the day, like the early early days of living, people didn’t know that they should ventilate their houses. So in the winters, they would be stuck inside with no open doors or windows or airflow and they would get really sick from fumes and mold. That’s why they would summer at the coast and say that the “fresh air would do them good.” It was because they were dying from a lack of fresh air.
Have you ever had that feeling where you start to worry about something and then you start to panic and then you can’t breathe and it feels like you might die from lack of oxygen?
I had a friend in sobriety ask me the other day if I ever worry about something that ends up working out. I responded, “Constantly. I have anxiety.” But I’m also a control freak I guess. Which is probably a result of my anxiety. Having to control the outcome of a situation helps to relieve the worry that it won’t work out or it won’t go as planned or something will go wrong. It’s supposed to rain all this weekend and I’m worried about the old roof leaking. What if a pipe bursts? What if the old plumbing needs to be completely replaced and it’s thousands of dollars more than we can afford? What if, what if, what if until infinity. Until I can’t sleep. Until I wake up at four in the morning and my brain starts firing off seemingly plausible scenarios that won’t allow me to go back to bed.
We call this, “Future tripping.” Tripping off into a made-up future that hasn’t happened yet so it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t exist! Tripping as in journeying down this made-up path that your mind has created and then tripping in the sense of spiraling. Tripping out on the made-up shit your mind has created and calling it real. Real in the sense that you believe it. That it causes sleeplessness. Lack of appetite. Difficulty focusing. Difficulty breathing. All for some made-up projection of a future that you don’t control! That hasn’t happened yet and may never happen! Sounds crazy right? But like, how normal is it to worry in this way?
Side note: I tattooed my feet with the words “Don’t” on the right foot and “Trip” on the left foot. The tattoo artist laughed and seemed pretty pleased with my choice. It was an honest tribute to a very talented musician who tragically died too soon from a drug overdose. His name was Mac Miller. He wore a “Don’t Trip” hat during his performance at NPR Tiny Desk Concert. I also wanted to remind myself to not physically trip in life but also to not mentally trip in life. Don’t go on that road trip of worry into an unknown outcome that is outside of your control. I need that reminder. I need to know that almost every outcome is outside of my control.
What I can control is how I show up in the world. The work I put in. Putting my left foot forward, and then my right. Letting go of the rest. That’s all I can do. The worrying actually solves very little.
What’s the difference then between worrying and planning or being prepared? What has worrying actually accomplished for anyone?
Occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. People with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD can feel extremely worried or nervous more frequently and experience a persistent feeling of dread that can interfere with how they live and enjoy life. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 6.8 million American adults experience anxiety. “Women are twice as likely to be affected.” However, anxiety is a spectrum from “normal” to clinical.
On National Mental Health Awareness day my mother shared about her worry and anxiety and it made me cry. I had never heard her talk so openly about it. I personally think she worries more than the average person (I am her daughter) but it was kind of shocking for me and hard to hear. We want our people to feel okay. I hope she will write a piece for the Normal Newsletter about her experience with anxiety and how she manages it.
The definition of worry is “give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.”
Some tips I use for getting out of worry before it escalates to moderate or severe anxiety:
Remind myself that my worrying won’t impact the outcome. That no matter how much I worry I have no control over what happens.
Be of service. When I’m deep in worry or on the verge of panic I ask myself how I can be of service to someone else. This is a tool I picked up in recovery. It’s a way to get out of self. It’s a way to get out of your head. Being of service to someone else can be as simple as calling someone on the phone and asking them how they are and listening without interjecting. The game I play is committing to not talking about myself. If they ask about me I just redirect the conversation back to them.
Ask myself what I can control. In recovery rooms, we use the serenity prayer. Prayer is a weird thing for a lot of people but you can think of it however you want. You can think of saying the “prayer” as more of a mantra. “Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.”
Take the next indicated step and don’t trip. That means do whatever is in front of you that you can do. If that means going for a walk and eating a healthy meal because you’ve had the roof inspected and it probably won’t leak, but you can’t be sure, and it’s gonna rain but there is nothing you can do about it today. Don’t trip. Do what you can for today.
What do you worry about? How has worry or anxiety impacted your daily life? What tips do you have for others that worry too much? Sound off in the comments.
I love you.